just remember to breathe

It was July, 2022. 

Over the past few weeks, I had slowly risen above the clouds of reality. I was the wind without a sail, a kite with no string. I was determined to be reborn, rip myself from phantom shackles, and become the free woman I was destined to be. 

I didn’t tell anyone about my plans, about the signs and sounds from God, except for my two closest friends. They didn’t tell anyone either; not my roommates I lived with for years, or my loyal love of my life who was with me for 3 years. It was our little secret, my perfect, beautiful plan. 

I descended on July 23rd. I saw the preparations for my apocalypse. I was devastated, terrified, of the consequences my unchecked mental illness would have. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my friends if I backed out, or my chosen family if I went through with it…

So I decided to try my lifelong escape route…

Since early childhood, when things felt too difficult or scary, when I felt trapped and alone, or thought the suffering would never end, a dark, calm, quiet friend would gently grasp my shoulders, and whisper to me as soft as summer rain,

 “There’s always a way out.”

 It was comforting to know that I always had the power for the pain to stop. No matter how hungry I felt, how much I was belittled, or even if I lost everything, it always said I could escape all of it. 

Ironically, that “escape” gave me strength to live another day, like an emergency exit or fire alarm. I thought, “If I can’t survive this, even when I try, I could always escape.” 

I lived this way, with this friend in my shadow growing every day, for 15 years. There had been four previous times I actually tried the escape route, but they were utterly unsuccessful due to my naivety about how to fully execute a plan. 

But, July 23rd was different. I was grown up now, I knew what had to happen. So as panic sunk into my bones and the friend emerged from my shadow…

I began. 

I collected all my medication. I barricaded myself in the bedroom I shared. My roommates and partner were preoccupied. I turned on my favorite songs, and sent two last text to my closest friends, 

“I’m sorry.”

After two and a half bottles, I couldn’t fit anything else inside me. So I lay in my bed, and waited.

 I felt my heartbeat first, how it got quicker. Then I couldn’t follow the music anymore. My vision clouded. I saw stars. Angels gathered around and watched me, whispering to one another. I had to focus to breathe. I was paralyzed, truly trapped; my friends, real or imagined, were nowhere to be seen… and all I could think was 

Oh fuck, what have I done? 

I remember him knocking. Then calling. Yelling, Screaming. The door was surpassed. 

I remember being slapped, shook, clutched by the love of my life as he told my roommates to call 911. 

I was rolled into recovery. He called my name again. I looked into his eyes, hoping I could blink enough to tell him I was sorry. 

Seizures. Breathing. Blue gloves. “Can you hear me?” Blink. Breathe. Seizure. “30 seconds, stable.” Breathe. “Keep breathing, Rain.” Breathe. “How old is she?” “Just keep breathing, Rain.” Breathe. “Remember to breathe, honey.” Remember to breathe. 

Breathe. 

Breathe. 

Breathe. 

I spent 3 days in the ICU. I’ve made a full recovery, besides the occasional muscle and verbal tics. They are my reminder to count my lucky stars that I was found, saved, from the only mistake you can’t fix. 

Suicide is never an escape. Suicide is death. 

Nobody knows what happens beyond life for the deceased, but the survivors feel the loss forever. As far as we know, we get one precious life, where we make mistakes and fuck up; we can hurt people and be hurt, choose stupid things or say the wrong words. But we can also love, be loved, forgive, feel joy, find peace, experience wonder, learn, grow, and change. 

You can’t do any of that if you successfully commit suicide. 

Even when I don’t think my life is important, I know my life is special to someone else. There is always an opportunity for you and your life to be better as long as you breathe. 

You can survive. You are wanted, you are loved, you are worth the fight…

Just remember to breathe.