The Bravest Thing

Erica Gardner — Thu, 01 Jun 2023 23:25:36 +0000

Happy Friday Friends

I wanted to take a minute to share this letter that I had the opportunity to send yesterday.

I think it’s important because in a body that has gone through the ringer and had the “nerve” to survive, it can be really easy to give up, lose hope and stay stuck!

I struggled for many years following and accident that severely damaged my Lumbar Sacral. Surgery was worst case scenario for everything that could go wrong, from double spinal canal infections to spinal fluid leak to blood clots, but I pushed through like it was no big deal.

Then, I fell on my neck halfway through the pandemic. I had to hear that surgery was too dangerous and I ended up having to navigate recovery at home with very little medical help or resources available. By the 18 month mark, I suffered through bowel, bladder and stomach issues, I had twelve polyps removed, I had an adrenal mass, neurogenic shock, adrenal shock, starvation, heart and stroke scares and a few falls. I was a fucking mess, like a bombshell had gone off in me. I gave up so many times but woke up each day anyway. I found a way to get through even when I did not want to. In the last days on my own my jaw joint ceased, my blood pressure soared my clavicle caved in and I thought for sure I was never going to get better, never find the team that was promised, I started to believe that my hope was gone. So I did what I do best and I wrote a letter to London Health Sciences and offered to donate my living body to science I was done That was 4 months ago. From there every door began to open. New friends, peer mentors, a band member exercise classes You name it’s happening, not all at once but in the gentle baby steps that I needed to understand all that I am Able to do and be in my Wheelchair

I’m fresh off my final check in with W for the CBT course and I really truly want to thank you both for recovering my message all those months ago.

In hindsight it was like a hand reached down and grabbed me, held me steady and steered the course until I could take the reigns again. I was not able to make sense of so many things that I could not possibly have known what first steps to take, how or where. But today I realized that on the outside, it might not look like much has changed. I’m still dealing with the many of the same problems, the same issues but that’s just it, I’m dealing with it. I’m taking all the steps I need to do to get to where I want to be, and all of the sudden I realized that I was way further ahead than even I thought 2 hrs ago while on the phone.

I’m seeing potential, using caution and taking strides not just microscopic baby steps. I’m finding peace within each day and more and more capable than I thought I could ever be again. I’m getting myself back, my voice, my confidence and I’m using my wheelchair and walker, I’m taking precautions to avoid the small things so they don’t add up into bigger things that are out of my control at that point. I’ve met people that I am proud to call friends and certain they feel the same reciprocal appreciation for me.

This past few months has given me Hope back, amongst every single fucking thing that felt and awful lot like it was trying to destroy me in a world content on swallowing me whole, I found hope and that’s all anyone really needs to take their power back admidst great tragedy. And I just want you both to know that could not do it on my own, I needed your hand and more than anything I needed W as my coach and I’m so grateful for all I have been through because it got me to the people, places and things that my whole being required. From here everything is freaking possible

So thank you! From the bottom of my heart for this program, the people who shared, and the fitness portion that’s given my body so so much easier love

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It’s Been a Week

Erica Gardner — Thu, 04 May 2023 17:56:19 +0000

It’s been a week!

Today I completed my first Rehabilitation course, which essentially teaches you all about your Spinal Cord Injury. It’s been 8 weeks since I started, and when I had my meeting today with the Doc, he said Erica you’ve come leaps and bounds since we first met, why do you think that is?” At first I was shocked to hear that he noticed a change, I’ve been feeling it but not write able to put my finger on it. But, when I thought about it, I simply said “I didn’t know… so I guess it’s the right support, the right people and the right moment.”

Having someone to compare war stories with is a blessing all in its own, it’s made me fall back on humbled knees many times and say Thank You Lord. I knew the material like I wrote it myself, what I did not know was what was normal. I learned where my injuries were, what they effect and how to manage. I see my own over do under do behaviours because yeah, it’s fucking shit going paralyzed part way through life, and your biggest enemy is you. It’s all your thoughts, fears, dreams and desires, to move, to escape, to fight or flight, nothing registers until you learn like Pavlovs dog and obey your body. For me, not knowing was causing a repetitive stress injury in my spinal column, it locked up my muscles, eroded my bones and joints, wreaked havoc on my heart and pulmonary functions, shut down my lower organs and then I thought maybe somethings wrong, I should probably lay down. I didn’t know to stop, I didn’t now how and never once did I feel like I could… until I absolutely couldn’t. And so, each day I can forgive myself a little more for getting sick, I can accept it wasn’t my fault and I can rise a little easier with my grief and someday like today, I can wrap up in a blanket and cry on the floor And then, like a boss bitch I get up, do a part of laundry, have a nap, I’ve walked Cal down twice in the walker (Wheelchair won’t go through gravel) and even napped right away that was using up a few “Spoons” but my bounce back is better, stronger and faster all around. My peace inside is ballooning and for that I’m pretty ficking grateful today!

The post It’s Been a Week appeared first on Disability and Neurodiversity Alliance.

Erica Gardner, Author at Disability and Neurodiversity Alliance

The Bravest Thing

It’s Been a Week